Diogenes Shows up naked. Brings a plucked chicken. Insults the host. Sleeps in a pot in the garden. Somehow the most popular person there. Has been to better parties (hasn't).
Zhuangzi Might be dreaming he's at a party. Might be a butterfly dreaming it's at a party. Either way, having an excellent time. Laughs at Confucius behind his back.
Simone de Beauvoir Actually fun. Has stories. Will outlast you. Sartre is also here but nobody invited him — he just showed up because she did.
A — good addition, glad they came
David Hume Jolly. Good cook. Skeptical of the DJ's playlist but in a fun way. Will prove you can't know the sun will rise tomorrow and then cheerfully bet you twenty quid it will.
Epicurus Brings excellent cheese. Insists the party is already perfect with just cheese and friends. Genuinely means it. Leaves before it gets loud.
Borges Tells you about a party that contains all possible parties. You forget whether you're at this one or the one in the story. He's blind and still navigating the room better than you.
B — fine, probably
Socrates Keeps asking what you REALLY mean by "good party" until you cry. But also: free entertainment. Everyone gathers to watch him dismantle the host's taste in wine.
Nietzsche Either the best guest or the worst. No middle ground. Depends on his moustache energy that night. Will definitely say something about the abyss while staring into the dip bowl.
Deleuze Dancing is a line of flight. Won't stop rhizoming on the dance floor. Left early to write about leaving early. Guattari wasn't invited but is somehow also here.
C — technically present
Descartes Doubts the existence of the party while attending it. Doubts the chips. Doubts the music. Only certain that he himself is doubting. Still eats the chips.
Wittgenstein Stares at you and says "the meaning of this gathering cannot be stated, only shown." Plays poker with Popper. It goes badly. Goes home to build a house with perfect proportions.
Confucius Brought a gift. Appropriate gift. Arrived at the correct time. Behaving impeccably. Having absolutely no fun. Judging Zhuangzi. Zhuangzi doesn't notice.
D — actively makes it worse
Hegel Explains how this party is the dialectical synthesis of all previous parties for forty-five minutes. Nobody understands. He takes this as confirmation.
Lacan Tells you your desire for this party is actually desire for the Other's desire. You came here wanting chips and now you're questioning your relationship with your mother.
Heidegger Won't stop saying "Dasein." Corners you by the fridge to discuss the ontological difference between a party and a gathering. Also: questionable associations. Do not let him give a toast.
F — do not invite
Kant Arrives at exactly 7:00pm. Leaves at exactly 10:00pm. Brings a forty-seven-point agenda for the evening. Rates the hors d'oeuvres categorically. Has never once in his life been surprised by anything.
Bentham Calculates the total hedonic units of the party. Concludes it would have been 14% more efficient to stay home. Tells you this. His stuffed body is still at the party. (This is a real fact about Bentham.)
Parmenides The party cannot change. Motion is impossible. The music is an illusion. The dancing is an illusion. You are an illusion. He is somehow still talking.
These rankings are final. They were determined through rigorous methodology (vibes). No philosophers were consulted. Diogenes would have wanted it this way.